Is it really worth it?

So lately a lot of people that I know and close too are leaving the church. Every reason is different but none of them are justified at all.  I can understand both the reason to leave and the reason why you should stay. Me, personally, I stay because I need God in my life. I have tried to live my life without him and do things in my own and in all honesty I can not do it without Him. Sure the rules of the church suck and yes they only enforce it when it is convenient to them, but that is not the reason I go at all.  Some people need those rules because they don't know self control or they don't know how to do be responsible for their actions. Even they care to much of how high they get on the church ladder. In the end when you die or when the rapture comes, only you are in front of God. Not you and the rules of the church, not you and the pastor, or not even the excuses why you left church will help you. God looks at your heart. He looks at how you lived you life, what you did with what you learned at church. Not what rules you kept, or which pastor you were under. Trust me there are plenty of reasons why I don't want to be there. The way people look down on me because I don't go to every outreach or because I am not part of the "future pastors wife of America" Club. But you know I am not there for them. I have issues and the only way I can get better is by listening to Gods word and fixing what is in my heart. No amount of outreach or women's clean up is gonna change me only God's good word is. So I say to all those that need a "break" from church. ... cut your crap!!! God isn't taking a break from you!  He didn't leave you because of the rules you "broke" and He sees right through all those people that are fake in ministry. God wants you the way you are.  It is a battle every time I go to church because the devil tells me "no one wants you there" or "why go everyone there is fake" "why go all those people are all talking about you" "you don't need to be there no one is looking for you anyways". And every time I hear that I remeber all the crap God took me out of and continues to save me from. I know without God my life would be a whole lot worse. So I go. I am me 100% I don't need to be fake for anything or anyone. I am who I am at home at church and on Facebook.  So friends don't give in and leave the church because if what was done by man. Go to church because you know that without God your life, your marriage, your children will not survive this cruel world. Go back to Gods open arms he is waiting for you to come back as you are not as the church wants you to be.  No you don't have to go to a fellowship church go where you feel God, go where you will get fed by God's Word, go where you can worship God and be who you are. As for me I will continue to go to church and I will continue to be me, the person God made me. Oh and a whole lot of people may not like that and I could careless. I am not there for them or to become likw them I am there for God to become a better me in God.

A mother's letter

So lately I have been noticing a lot about men. No this bit a men bashing blog lol. But I did start to think like a mom and as a girlmyself and I started to think about what my girls are going to go through and I figured I would write then a letter.  When I was 18 and heart broken I wrote a letter to my oldest daughter, of course I threw it away a long time ago because it got really man bashing lol. But I do want my girls to know things about what life and men are going to put them through. Well not only my daughters but all daughters in general. So here is goes.

         Dear daughter of mine, 
                 I want you to know first and for most I will always love you and will always be there for you. I want you to feel free to come talk to me about anything, no matter what it may be I will there to help, be the shoulder to cry on, or even just an ear to let you vent to. As a girl there is so much we go through and as mother and daughter we can go through it together. I will take care of you as you grow. From your first day of school to your last. I don't want you to ever think you are alone, because your not. The world may tell you that your all alone that no one will understand what your going through but know that I do.  When your emotions start to go crazy know that I have been there and sometimes all it does take is some chocolate to make everything better.  There will start a time in your life where boys will start to like you more than just a friend.  In that I have advice, but first of all know that no guy will ever live you add much as your dad and I. I heard it in a movie once that the girl says "the only man a girl can depend on is her daddy" in our family that is true. Daddy will always be there to defend your honor no matter how old you get. Now there are going to be boys out there that will hurt you and make you cry. Don't worry we all go through it in our lives. Every single one of us. Now I may want to bust his face in, I know that your heart breaking will only make you stronger and ready for someone true that is ready to help you fix that heart of yours. A real man that will make you smile more than cry. Trust me he exists ;). One thing I learned is that you can never mend a broken heart by going back to the person that breaks it. So please daughter of mine don't go back. Also there will be men out there that all they know how to treat a lady is with violence and disrespect.  I don't ever want to see you hit or disrespected because I will go to jail :). There is no reason a man should put his hands on you at all. I have been there and I stayed because I always thought I deserved it. By Gods good grace we were taken out of that situation because I know we would be dead today.  There is absolutely no reason a man will need to put his hands on you in an angry or violent way.  Please daughter don't do it. Also don't settle for just anyone. Your future husband will do everything to sweep you off your feet and will not stop to do so. Also don't let men use you as a sex object. There are some men or there that only want 1 thing from you, but that needs to be saved for 1 man and that is your husband.  They will be sneaky, they will say all the right things and wine and dine you just to get in your pants. A real man will wait to put a ring on your finger before he even talks like that to you. I am saying this from the heat because I didn't wait and I love your dad so much I wish I did, but then I wouldn't have you so I am glad to have you.  Again please wait till your married, I don't ever want you to have to raise a child on your own. I have and it's hard. Now I know there are people that will tell you about divorce and cheating husband. But I want you to believe that you only get married once.  No matter what happens in life always know that I have raised you in a Godly manner. You may want to go your own path but know in God is where your path should be.  Believe in God and He will bring you a man that we respect you, love you and cherish you for the rest of your life. Now there will be times where you will think I am the worst mother in the world but I want you to know I do this to protect you. I have seen and done things in my life that I will recognize it in a heart beat and I will nip that in the bud.  I love you with all my heart and my only prayer is you grow up strong, not afraid to speak your mind, not easily manipulated, and to have a strong relationship with God.  Your salvation is going to be between you and God I can not live your Christianity for you. Also you can not live by my convictions but by your own. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise know that your relationship with God is between you and Him. Last, don't every be fake, or someone your not. Always be true to yourself.  God made you who you are and you don't need to be anything different. There will be plenty of fake people in the world but what makes this world a better place is the people that are true to themselves.  You are my daughter and add everyone knows I am not fake, I don't have to put a show for anyone, I don't sugar coat anything for anyone because the world isn't sugar coated. If I am lucky you'll be like me and much more.

                 Love always,
                      Your mom

Jealous or to much

      So Sunday night the pastor preached to the husbands. He hit a lot of good points on how a man is supposed to treat his wife. Also how to be a leader of the family and what path your gonna lead your family down also how to raise up a man. That none of it is not possible without God.
       The pastor talked about the husband being jealous. He said that there was a point to where it was overbearing. On the other end to not even care. So that got me thinking.  Is my husband the jealous type?  I have never heard my husband ask who I was talking to or who I am going out with or even tell me not to wear a certain thing.
        I talked with my husband when we got home and I asked him why doesn't he get jealous?  I feel like maybe I am not attractive to where he doesn't have to worry about other men wanting to talk to me or even look at me. So when I asked him his answer was simple he isn't the jealous type. He was in a previous marriage and he said he was never jealous then either. He says he just needs to be the best he can be and not worry. Most of all he just isn't the jealous type. I had asked him if I were to talk to other guys would that bother him and he said Nope, so then I asked what if I went to hang out with a guy friend would that bother him and again his response was no.
      I know there are ladies out here that if thier husband gave them that kind of freedom they would abuse it and they would cheat. I know in my heart I can't do that. I have a guy friend I grew up with that we talk and I tell my husband everything we talk about. My husband says I don't have to tell him but I feel guilty when I don't. I don't even delete the messages so my husband knows I am not lying. I know my husband doesn't get jealous and sometimes that bothers me.
         Sometimes a little bit of "Hey don't look at my wife like that" or " Hey watch it man that's my wife" kinda feels good every now and then.  To me it shows he actually cares about me. I may be weird and the only one that says that but it's true I don't know, maybe because I have low confidence I want something to boost my confidence.
      Now don't get me wrong there are guys of the that take jealous to a whole new level. They don't know when to quit. Now I don't want that I have had my share of bad abusive relationship and I don't need all that in my life. So for those that might say something about that type of jealousy, I am not talking about that extreme.
         Is there not a in between jealousy?  Between not being jealous and being way to overly jealous? If not then I will definitely take the not being jealous any day. I know my limits and I won't cross them, I will not take advantage of my husband. Some people say men and women can't be friends and I say if you can't control yourself and keep your boundaries then yes don't tempt yourself. I,  personally,  can control myself, and I know when to say no *not that I let it even get that far*. I respect my marriage and I won't take advantage of my husband. The moment he tells me to not talk to a guy I will do it that simple. *that was for those who always have something smart to say*
    So I would like a little jealousy just so I know he cares but not to much where it's cray cray jealousy. 
   
     

A mother's prayer

As mother's day passes I can not help but think of each and every one of my children. Yes I have 4 girls none was planned but it doesn't change the fact that I love each one of them.  I also have 2 step children that I have love for them we don't get to see them as much as we like but I know that is going to change very soon. So in total I have 6 children that I love and I see each one of then as an individual and they have thier individual needs.
The oldest of the 6 is my step son Jace. He is my husband son and you can tell. They look so much a like and he has his dad's intelligence. Every time we see him I notice he needs his dad as he grows, I know a boy needs his dad as he grows to support him, encourage him,  lead him, and teach him.  It breaks my heart that we do not get them add much as we like but when we are together I encourage communication with dad. I make sure he knows dad lives him,  thinks about him, and loves him with all his heart.
         Second oldest is faith.  She is my mini me. So emotional, so easily hurt, and so friendly.  I was only 17 when I got pregnant with her but I finished high school as a single mom. As I went to school I felt like I wasn't doing my best for my child. I knew that my life is no longer mine. She was my world, she loved me back without asking for anything. I wanted someone to love me so much that when I saw her I knew she was going to love me and I was gonna love her. Till this day she loves me, she is so brave, she is smart and caring. She already gets drama at school but she knows that God will get her through anything.  She knows that if she prays God is listening to her. She tells me every night ,after I pray for her, she beloved in God because He answered her prayers.
       Next is my step daughter Madison. She is 3 months younger than faith, isn't God awesome to plan that. Oh madi loves her sisters!  When I first met my step children I was so scared they would reject me and my girls, but they were both loving. Madi is so happy to have sisters. She writes to my girls and tells them everything. She finally had someone to go shopping with, someone to play with, someone that doesn't want to do boy games. I do notice she to needs her dad. She needs someone to tell her she means the world to him, to hold her, to tell her she is beautiful. I know once we are closer she will blossom because she will have her daddy with her.
          The 4th is annalisa, she is the one that came out of a horrible horrible horrible relationship and has the most loving heart, most beautiful look on life, and the most forgiving person.  She cares about everyone. She tells kids at get school about God and how much he loves them. She always wants to give money to the offering to children church for the missions. She is always asking to sing songs about God. Whenever she talks about talents she says God blessed me with. ... She saw the play this passed Saturday about the rapture and it convicted her. She was crying her eyes out because she didn't want to be left behind. Then after church we are getting home and she asks me if we are going with her in the rapture and says she is afraid that faith won't go with us. It broke my heart, here she is caring about her sister and not herself. She believes she is sinning because she didn't tell enough people about God. Or she wasn't kind or giving enough that day.  I have learned a lot from her she has encouraged me to go out for God.
     My last 2 are Gabby and Zoe. They are the babies of the family they see everything.  They are constantly asking for Madi and Jace, asking when will faith and anna get back from school. They walk around the house singing songs from children's church and they even play children church with my nephew ben. I know I have a lot to teach them. To show them how to grow as children of God. To follow the path God has for them.
     As a mother I look at my children, these kids look up to me, they watch everything I do or say. How am I gonna teach them, what path am I going to lead them down? Do give them the jacked up childhood or teen years that I had. A split up home, in and out of endless relationships?  No I have promised God these children will follow Gods path. These children will know Gods love. I have learned that children don't do as you say they do as you do. So therefore I will be an example to my children. I will show them when times get hard we turn and pray to God, when times are good we turn and pray to God. My prayer is for each and every one of my children ,Yes all 6, will grow in the Lord, they will go out and be the light in this ugly world. I pray that if God willing my children will go win the rez for God and many other people.  I love all my children I will never change any of them. So this past mother day, I feel so loved even if I had to yell and spank and run after my kids I wouldn't change it gor the world. When I was pregnant with my last baby *they are 10 months apart* I was so down a friend told me God doesn't give you what you can't handle. Till this day I know it to be true because these kids get to me and I feel like I cant do this ,but I know God is always there for me.

Women's trip

So I went on a trip with the ladies from my church. I have to put out there that I will be using names in here and yes it's a good way. So if you see your name or someone else's name and you decide to go tell them be sure to stick to the truth. ;)

So I was able to go with the women from the church to California to universal studios. I had loads of fun.  However when I first signed up so did my older sister and I felt comfortable knowing that I'll have someone to hang out with on the trip. Then things came up and she wasn't able to go and I kinda started to freak out. I couldn't back out because on one hand I really wanted to go. So then my friend shania says she was going so we can hang out so I felt a little better. Then my friend angela said I could hang with them. So I was feeling better then shania was about to start a job so she wasn't able to go, so I got really sad. I wanted to go so bad that I just told myself that even if I am alone I am gonna go and have fun. Last min shania said she was going to again I was happy. :)

The day of the trip I was a bit nervous but my friend angela invited me over to sleep over so I did. She has a friend Beth that I didn't know all to well, just saw her at pool meetings or sometimes at angelas house. But I went anyways and well by the end of the trip I am glad I got to know Beth. The drive there I rode with some older ladies and sarah and Beth so I figured the best way to not annoy anyone is to stay to myself so that was what I decided to do. Sarah had other plans lol.  I am extremely grateful God put sarah in my van or put me in Sarah van hehe.  We talked and laughed, which opened doors to talk to other ladies, needless to say I didn't stay to myself and I didn't annoy anyone hehe. 
I roomed with beth angela and another girl amber and I got to listen to them talk and I felt like I wasnt the only one going through things, or I wasnt going crazy. Hehe. The day of the park I hung out with a group and it included 2 pregnant ladies my sis and sarah. I am glad my sis was in my group I always feel better when I have my sisters with me, no matter which sister it is ;) the rest of the ladies in the group I thought didn't like me or we weren't in the same clique, so I stayed by shania and sarah. By the end of the day I got to talk to all the ladies and they were really friendly.  I still think we are not in the same clique but I do know is that I had a chance to talk with them and I can say they are friendly. 

On the drive home I was tired. I figured so was everyone else so there wouldn't be much talking. I was wrong about that too hehe.  I did catch some zzzz but I got to talk to a lady I never met name dion. I have only seen her in church but never even got to talk to her. Honestly talking to her really put my feet back on the ground.  See what people don't know is that I was really thinking about leaving the church. I was being attacked by the devil and he was using church people. I was on the verge of leaving. I had prayed and prayed and prayed for a friend that would encourage me to get involved and not to give up on me. I felt alone and to top it all off this lady at church was really doing a good job at making me feel alone. So after I spoke with ms dion and sarah I went home and prayed because God sent me good friends like sarah angela amanda mallory and many many more that I was too busy feeling alone that I didn't realize I am blessed.

I am home and happy with my friends and greatful to God for bringing them in my life. I found out that the particular person is still trying to bring me down and make me look bad to others but it doesn't bother me anymore because I know for a fact that when God removes one person out of your life it's to make room for better people.  So I am grateful I went on this trip and I plan on continuing to build the friendship I have made. I also would like to continue going on the next trip ;) 3 days was a good break from my kids and I love them more than ever.

Fat

So lately I have been teased about my weight. Yes I am fat, yes I have a fat belly, and yes I have a double chin. So before I start I have to put out there that I am happy with the way I look and my weight!!!
When I was a teenager I only weighed 90lbs I got prego and at the end of the pregnancy I weighed 100lbs. With my 3 pregnancy I didn't care about what I weighed I ate what I wanted. By the end of my 3rd pregnancy I was almost 200lbs! I was 185!  Then I got pregnant again and no I did not plan it at all. Trust me I don't wish back to back babies on anyone. Anyways I was on birth control that didn't let loosing weight a easy task. I got my tubes tied and got of birth control and now I don't see the need to want to loose weight right away.

I can still walk and my husband can pick me up, so I am not that fat. People think it's Ok to comment on my weight or what I eat or drink and I take it because well I don't mind at all. I am not going to watch what I eat or eat rabbit food and stop drinking soda because people have a problem with all that I have.  I am not going be at a place and wish I could eat this and wish that I could have that. I am going to eat it and drink that and get the double scoop. To be honest I think to skinny is ugly because where is your padding?

I notice that when there is a couple and the lady starts losing weight, to much weight, the marriage starts to fall apart because that person is so focused on what they look like and going to the gym rather than spending time with family. I don'tneed to look good for other people or get attention from others by showing that I work out or even show off my body.  If I plan to loose weight I want to do it with my husband. Plus I don't think going back to high school weight is the right thing to do. Let's let the past be in the past. Let's let high school stay in high school we are grown now.

So with all that said let me put it out there words do hurt at the end of the day. I am happy as can be with all my extra padding and I am not going to look at food and say oh man I wish I could eat the, I am going to eat it!  You do only live once ;) now don't get me wrong I have skinny friends and skinny fits them and I am happy for them.  :) back in the day size 16 was considered beautiful and sexy. So as long as my husband and my kids think good of me then that's all that matters. Ok so people say about deseas that are associated with being considered fat and I will let you know I don't accept any of that!  I serve a mighty God and He will protect me from all illness that people will try to put on me.  :) I am fat and I am beautiful!

Mexico

 So most of you don't know it but last week I went to Mexico all by myself. hehe yes I drove the whole way too. :) oh yes I am cool like that and I have the most awesome husband that allows me to do thinks like that ;) The reason I went is because my best friend lives there with her husband and her family. She had to come and take care of business for a bit and no one was able to bring her here or pick her up, so being the best friend that I am I went to go pick her up.

Here is a picture of her and I with her kids eating before we left for the drive back :)

      So before I went, no one wanted to go with me because they had work, school, or kids. A lot of people were worried that I would disappear once I crossed the boarder. So that got me a little bit worried, but my friend met me at the boarder and we drove to her house together. I had planned to leave about 5 in the morning but I ended up leaving about 6 hehe. PS>> If you are planning on going to rocky point chandler is the fastest way to go it cuts down an hour and half <<< On my way out of queen creek I heard on the radio that on 43 and Bethany in phx that there was a shooting and all of Bethany was closed the light rail was effected and so was the freeway. I left and went to pick up my friend. I wanted to go to the beach but I don't know the time for the perfect tide so i couldn't get it boooo. hehe We made sure that her children were all safe and everything was OK , and we left about 1 in the afternoon.

        As we headed back to the boarder my tire blew! I was trying to pass someone and as soon as I passed that person, that is when my tire blew. I didn't even have a chance to get out of my van before a truck pulled up and a kid asked what happened (of course it is all in Spanish) *my Spanish is not that good lol* I told the guy that my tire blew. I didn't know if we has a spare or the tools to change the tire. On top of all of that I had no service to call my husband and my friend ran out of minutes to make a call anyways. I did find the jack and those kids jacked up the van and then we didn't know how to bring down the spare!! We didn't have any tools so I was kind of panicking hehe. Then this dump truck pulled up and it seemed like the guys knew each other, and they had the tool needed to bring down the tire, then they left. Next thing I knew the tire was fixed and those guys were gone. I didn't have time to offer them anything. oooh and when the tire blew it blew my gas tub pinch shut hehe if that makes any sense. so I only had 1/4 of a tank and I was planning of getting gas once we were state side. So I was kind of worried how we were going to get back. When we got to sonoyita (boarder city) we stopped at a llantera (tireshop) and asked the guy if he could help fix it and how much he would charge (sometimes people take advantage of Americans and charge them a lot for everything) The tire guy opened my gas tub and stuck it back in place NO CHARGE!!! he said whatever we could give him!! God was really watching over us. We made it back home safe and happy. 

This is my tire once we got it changed.